Why do people get on your nerves?
Understanding motivation
Do you ever feel irritated by the people you work with? Do some of them have habits that rationally you know are trivial in the wider scheme of things, but still drive you up the wall?
It’s these small day-to-day irritations that sometimes escalate into bigger and more significant conflicts. If you acknowledge that your irritation is irrational or at least out of proportion, what might be going on beneath the surface that explains your over-the-top irritation? We are usually aware of what motivates us but often unaware that others have different motivators.
Ron had a very untidy desk. Just imagine three stacks of paper each nearly a foot tall, four unwashed coffee mugs that were deep brown on the inside and screwed up crisp packets and sweet wrappers - you get the picture?
Despite the mess, Ron was very good at his job, got things done and was well liked by his colleagues. Well liked by everyone apart from his manager, Jagdeep who was driven insane by the sight of Ron’s messy desk. He frequently had the barely controllable urge to tidy it up.
As you might expect, Jagdeep was a very tidy person and orderliness was very important to him. One weekend Jagdeep came into work to catch up, and seeing the untidy desk could not restrain himself...and tidied it up.
Ron went ballistic when he saw his now tidy desk and war broke out between the two...
How can we understand why these two normally rational people fell out over something so trivial as an untidy desk? Why did it matter so much to both of them?
One way is to analyse the motivations for the behaviour that led to the conflict. Why did Ron not care that his desk was untidy and Jagdeep find the sight of Ron’s desk so unbearable he went out of his way to tidy it?
Understanding motivation
To understand this odd behaviour we need to figure out its underlying motivation.
The psychologist Steven Reiss carried out a large-scale, cross-cultural research study of what people say motivates them. He assessed more than 6,000 people from four continents. His research identified sixteen psychological needs or intrinsic motivators common to everyone and deeply rooted in human nature. According to the study, everyone embraces the 16 basic desires, but individuals prioritize them differently.. These include things like: ‘curiosity, ‘power,’ ‘romance,’ and ‘order,’ (Reiss and Havercamp1998).
We are all motivated by these desires, but we're all different. What motivates one person isn't important to another.
For example, one of the desires that strongly motivates some people is food and eating. If that is you, eating good food, will be one of the greatest joys of your life - you ‘live to eat’ as the saying goes. I have a friend like this who insists on taking photographs of all his restaurant meals and posting them on social media. Conversely you might not be particularly bothered about food. For you, sausage, egg and chips does the trick. You see food as fuel and you ‘eat to live.’
Imagine how a person, a foodie, highly motivated by good food feels when their partner, who has little interest in food, wolfs down a gourmet meal and when asked, comments, “the food? yeah it was okay.” This results in the foodie feeling disappointed and hurt and the non-foodie, confused. But, neither person is ‘bad’ or wrong, it’s simply that eating is important for one but not the other - eating motivates one but is trivial to the other.
If we return to the untidy desk…
For Ron, order wasn’t important. In fact it made him feel hemmed in. He liked informality and spontaneity. He felt comfortable in clutter and uncomfortable when things were too neat. If Ron were to go too far along the scale, his untidiness would slide into chaos and he wouldn’t get anything done.
Jagdeep sees an untidy desk, and feels uncomfortable. For him, orderliness is essential - it is a strong motivator. Jagdeep just can’t understand how anyone can work in such clutter.
He assumes that what motivates him, must also motivate Ron. And, Ron makes the same mistake.
There’s no judgement attached to this. Neither are wrong, they just don’t understand what motivates each other. They don’t understand that what is important for them, isn’t important for others.
Orderliness is just an example. The theory applies to more important motivators like the desire to be accepted, the desire for status or the desire for independence. If it’s important for you to be accepted at work you might feel rejected by a boss who values status and independence.
If you are leading an organisation or a team and need to make changes or resolve conflict, it’s important to look beneath the surface to understand what motivates those you work with and what is important to them. This will help you understand the way people are and predict their behaviour.
It may also help you understand who you are - what determines your life, what is really important to you and what makes you happy…and anxious.
Take a look at Steven Reiss’s work, it’s very helpful.
References:
Reiss, S., & Havercamp, S. M. (1998). Toward a comprehensive assessment of fundamental motivation: Factor structure of the Reiss Profiles. Psychological Assessment, 10(2), 97–106
Reiss, S. (2008). The normal personality: A new way of thinking about people. Cambridge University Press.