Could the Real Problem Be the One You’re Not Aware Of?
Self-awareness is difficult, but it matters now more than ever.
Have you ever noticed how the things that annoy you most in other people… are often the things you don’t like in yourself?
And what if that so-called “flaw” you’ve been trying to hide is actually a strength you’ve just learned to suppress?
👉 Like someone who’s been told they’re “too sensitive” – but can pick up on tension in a room before anyone else notices.
👉 Or someone who hides their creativity because it wasn’t encouraged when they were young.
👉 Or the high achiever who’s brilliant at sticking to goals – but has forgotten how to relax and enjoy the moment.
We all know someone like that…
On the outside, they seem to have it all – smart, driven, confident, maybe even a bit charismatic. They dress well, speak well, and come across as focused and successful.
But still, something is not right. Despite all their effort, they’re not having the impact they imagined. And, they start to wonder why.
They might even joke, half-laughing, half-serious...
“Maybe I’m the problem.”
And in a way, they’re right, but not entirely.
The Trouble with introspection
We like to think that we know ourselves. After all, we live in our own heads — shouldn’t we be the world’s leading experts on us?
But real self-awareness isn’t just about listing your strengths and weaknesses. On a much deeper level, it involves recognising parts of yourself that you’ve spent years, sometimes a lifetime, avoiding.
Carl Jung called this hidden part of you the shadow – the aspects of yourself you try to avoid because they feel painful, shameful, or don’t fit with who you think you’re supposed to be.
We all have a shadow.
Persona vs. Shadow
To function in the world, we develop a persona. In other words the mask we wear to get by, to fit in, to be accepted. It’s not fake, but it is curated. We highlight the parts of ourselves that get approval and suppress the rest. Over time, the persona becomes so convincing that we start to believe it is us, that it’s the whole of us.
But, behind that polished mask is the shadow self, containing all the traits, emotions, desires, and vulnerabilities that are inconsistent with the carefully curated persona.
While some of these hidden parts of you may be conventionally viewed as "negative" (like anger, jealousy, or selfishness), others are surprisingly positive: ambition, confidence, sensuality, and even joy. If you were taught these qualities were unacceptable, that expressing them was dangerous, selfish, inappropriate, or showed weakness, you learnt to keep them hidden from others and eventually even from yourself.
We are what we accuse others of
The people who annoy us most, the ones who really get under our skin, remind us of something we’ve buried in ourselves.
The manager who gets constantly wound up by “lazy” or “unambitious” employees. On the surface, it seems like a values clash.
But underneath, something deeper might be going on. Perhaps that manager has been running on adrenaline and overworking for decades, believing that slowing down means failure. Resting feels like weakness, so they push through, burning out quietly. Then, along comes someone who takes a lunch break, clocks off on time, or doesn’t live for achievement. And, the seem happy! That person becomes a mirror reflecting a way of being that the manager secretly craves but believes is impossible fro them.
What initially looks like frustration, is in reality grief. They’re grieving a life they never permitted themselves to live.
Why do some individuals dislike gay people?
Imagine growing up in a home where homosexuality is not only frowned upon but condemned. Perhaps it’s a deeply conservative religious household. It is an environment where being gay is viewed as a sin, a disgrace, something profoundly shameful.
Now imagine that, from a young age, you feel attracted to people of the same sex. But, you’ve been taught, and you believe, in your heart of hearts, that these feelings are deeply wrong.
You also know, whether it’s spoken or unspoken, that to act on those feelings would bring rejection, punishment, even violence. So you learn, very quickly, to suppress them. To deny, disown, hide, repress.
You build a life around not being that person.
That hidden part of you — the incredibly powerful part that longs to love and be loved, becomes part of your shadow.
Years later, you see someone living openly and proudly as gay. They’re relaxed, confident, and happy in a way that feels both magnetic and threatening.
That encounter is likely to evoke complex and to you, inexplicable feelings: admiration, envy, resentment, and often, deep hostility. This hostility does not arise from any fault of that person but rather from the fact that they represent a version of yourself that you never got to express and live.
This is how the shadow works.
You project both the light and the dark onto other people. You idealise some and denigrate others. You likely believe you can learn from those you idealise, which is partly true. However, you might learn even more from those you despise
The Role of Complexes: when emotions hijack us
Jung also talked about complexes — clusters of emotions, memories, and beliefs form around certain themes, usually in childhood.
They’re like emotional landmines.
You might have a rejection complex that flares up whenever someone gives you feedback. Or a power complex that makes it hard to tolerate disagreement.
When a complex is triggered, you feel hijacked, reacting in ways that seem out of proportion, even to you. These complexes link directly to both your persona and your shadow. Your persona hides the complex, and your shadow holds the feelings the complex stirs up.
If you don’t recognise these dynamics, they will keep repeating, and you will label this as bad luck or fate.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate"
CG Jung
Why this all matters, especially now
This isn’t just psychological navel-gazing. It’s the difference between reacting blindly and responding with clarity. It explains why two smart people can get locked in a power struggle that makes no sense. We are living in an era of significant complexity and volatility: in the workplace, in leadership, and in life.
Simply knowing more, doing more, and being smarter is not sufficient.
The leaders, and people, who thrive are those with emotional insight. They are the ones who can sit with discomfort and respond calmly rather than impulsively react. Stay grounded when things get messy. Self-awareness and insight aren’t just personal virtues; they are also professional superpowers.
When we don’t understand ourselves, we project our stuff onto others. We clash with people who remind us of something we’ve disowned. We repeat the same patterns, over and over, and blame other people or fate. But when we slowly bring the shadow into the light, things start to shift.
We become less defensive. More creative. More open. And perhaps most importantly we stop being strangers to ourselves.
If this resonates — if you're beginning to see how your shadow might be shaping your leadership, your relationships, or the patterns that keep repeating, then it may be time for a new kind of conversation.
Most executive coaching focuses on improving performance, boosting productivity, and hitting KPIs. And while these outcomes are important, I take a very different approach.
I believe the real goal of coaching should be to develop your consciousness — to deepen your understanding of yourself. Because when you gain true insight into how you think, feel, and relate, meaningful change happens.
Greater self-awareness leads naturally to better performance at work, and a richer, more fulfilling outside of work.
This is what sets my leadership coaching apart: it’s not just about helping you do more, but helping you become more fully yourself: grounded, intentional, and free from old patterns.
👉 If you’re ready for that kind of transformation, email me at mike@mikedrayton.org to arrange a confidential discovery call.